Strong Enough For a Man, but Made as a Woman

[Mrs Hunin]

Wonder Woman by =rjonesdesign on deviantART I love to read and write about almost any topic. The world is filled with so many amazing nuances that delight my mind. So when I’m filled with awe and wonder I want to get it out and express it masterfully through words. I get to my computer and find myself hesitating and the next thing I know I just churned out a post filled with links to other places where people had the gumption to say what they think, feel, want and hate. I started blogging because I thought it was the answer for my unexpressed energy that lead to many sleepless nights, and it was; I felt excitement everyday because I discovered a vehicle to get it out and find others who were interested in what I had to say.

My husband asked me the other day if I’d ever experience the overwhelming pressure to produce material that leaves you frozen in front of the computer screen. I had to say no. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced writers block. The only time I felt pressure to write was in school when three days before the 20 page report was due I decided that it was time to go to the library, and that was the welcomed and motivating pressure of procrastination. Now here in my house, without any deadlines I feel safe and secure to share anything that my heart desires, or do I? I did at first, fell safe I mean; I was free from judgment, criticism, and having to abide by social norms. I pride myself on being a free thinking, wisdom carrying, unconditional loving, and opened minded possessing kind of girl who has recently found it difficult to write. Again it’s not writers block but it is fear of being vulnerable.

My first year in college I took an English class and my professor doted on my writing. He would pull aside after class and talk at length about my assignment, in addition to the glowing reviews he wrote on the assignment itself. I’d take it with a grain of salt because he was a man; let’s be honest yawl I did not know if he was trying to get in my pants. Besides I did not have an obvious writing to style, the only conscious effort I made was to write what I know and keep it personal but polished. One day I said that I was sick of talking about myself; I decided to write with the same efficiency as always but without anything personal, after all I was reading great works of literature maybe I needed to stop being somewhat self centered. I turned in my assignment with a great since of pride and looked forward to reading the exquisites comments that were soon to follow. Professor handed me the assignment with a big fat red C on the front; honestly I was a little relived, it was proof that he was sincere and not horny. I sought him out after class and asked him why I received a low score and he explained he’s reasoning, long story short it underwhelmed him. From the rest of the semester I made a point to let the topic of the each assignment affect me and let that affect be reflected in my paper; I walked away with and A.

I want to share the good the bad and ugly about myself. I’d always planned to write about different things (not just about me) too, but I knew that this would be a project that would challenge me to come out of my comfort zone by devilling into my personal life and displaying it for anyone who cared to read it. The first couple of months I experienced an inner bravery and confidence that felt new. As a social person who can experience platonic love at first sight, or with little contact (more internet appropriate I guess), I try so hard to be accepting and understanding. I hate when people are mean, harsh, critical, gossipy, two-faced, hypocritical back stabbers. I hate when people exclude, dismiss, belittle, look down on, and pick on people just in order to display their hysterical hierarchy. I have become an extremely open minded, loving, humble and patient person. The cons of that is that I have lost my voice; in the pursuit of making sure that no one’s opinion is perceive as less important than my own I have stopped having opinions in general. When I recognize a thought that seems in any way judgmental I send out an army of bias killers to hunt and strangle the life out it. Only then can I rest assured that whatever new and crazy idea I encounter will be perceived as cool and neat.

Lacking a voice leads to lackluster posts and podcast because of my mousy composer. I don’t invalid my methods, it has benefitted my heart and soul immensely; I just want to become more balanced. Me being so consumed with other people feelings and opinions gave me the know how to dig deep and be vulnerable. In my desire to empower other people I desired to share myself, my weakness, my hurts and my failures. Exposing yourself takes strength and endurance. I do admire my strength, I have grown from a lot of difficult life experiences, but I still lack the much needed endurance. Without constant support of people acknowledging my efforts it is hard to share things that I think might earn such labels as stupid, hypocritical, insecure, flaky, slutty, weak minded, legalistic, untrustworthy, or unworthy of respect. Without acknowledging or expressing my anger, convictions and opinions I am reduced to depending on the kindness of strangers and the encouragement of loved ones instead of my own strength.

It is time for a rebirth of sorts. I have a furious voice that has been made docile by abuse and neglect at the hands of my ego, or is it super ego. I will now attempt to let out and rename my inner Sasha in hopes that you will get a stronger, better, faster, stronger understanding of my dynamic self. I am weak, I am strong, I am nice, I am vicious, I am understanding, my convictions are inflexible, I am humble, I am a hypocrite, I loving, I am filled with rage, I am tolerant and I will not take any bullshit. So many time when you see someone that you thought was infallible loss a fight, you instantly label them as weak, but when you see someone who prove themselves to be a coward stand up for themselves you think they woke up on the wrong side of the bed or wonder what’s up there butt. I believe that all people are dynamic, we all have power and we all have weakness and that is a beautiful thing if you take the time to appreciate it. Everyone has a disgusting hypocritical tendency and, at the same time, impenetrable convictions that should be imitated. Take the time to observe the deeply profound spirit of each and every life that you come across and your life will be deeply meaningful or meet someone and size the up in 20 second flat; I understand it is easier to judge a book by its cover so judge away if that what floats your boat. I however I have meet some pretty incredible human beings throughout my life that others thought were a beneath them and getting to know them was a waste of time. Now it is time to let my light shine. All I ask is that good or bad you leave a comment. Love me or hate me, if you read the whole post PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment. I do like expressing myself but it gets old real fast without anyone’s reaction. Thank you for taking the time to read this

[Hunin]

I left a comment!

Good post, honey. I'll leave the insightful commentary to people without an unfair bias. But, I gotta say ... I love the video. ;~)